Memories, they’re overrated

 

I use to think that my life was so great! I was popular, had great friends, and had all the guys eating out of the palms of my hands. That’s what girls are supposed to like…right! Then why do I not want to remember that fact; it just becomes too painful when remembering.

 

You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about. Why it’s so painful for me? To tell you the truth, I have a hard time talking about it. I would just like to lock up those memories, and forget that they ever happened; that it ever happened to me.

 

I should have stayed away that night, but I had to be stubborn. I had to go after what I wanted, but where did it really get me? I was even warned, but I chose not to listen, to shut out what she had told me. No, I had to be the one to think that someone was just trying to take away what I wanted, when all she was trying to do, was protect me.

 

All they do is get you down and frustrated

 

Well not listening got me into a whole lot of trouble, and I felt I only had myself to blame for it all, even though I hadn’t asked for any of it. I guess most girls in my position do the same thing. I had asked him upstairs, and let him kiss me…but I never asked for that. I mean I would never wish that on my worse enemy.

 

He took something from me that night, my innocence, my pride, but most of all, my self worth. He made me feel like I was something trashy, that he did it to me because in a way I had asked for it by the way I dressed or even acted towards him. How dare he do this to me! How can anyone do that to another? Well I guess anyone that could, must be heartless.

 

Every time I think about it, I feel the walls closing in on me, making it harder and harder to breath. I can’t even sleep with the lights off anymore, in fear that he may come and get me. Every night I pray that this burden will be taken away, that I will wake-up and forget, but every morning I wake-up with nothing but disappointment.

 

Most people didn’t even know what happened to me since I refused to let anyone know. I dealt with on my own…well that was until his school came back to my school for a tournament. I thought that I finally had it under control; well I was wrong. The moment I saw him, I could feel the puke coming up my throat. Then when I saw him with Manny I felt like I was going to lose control. I wouldn’t let him do that to another so I tore her away from him. Of course, she thought I was jealous; I was far from that. I just wanted to protect her, the way the other girl tried to protect me.

 

And who needs that on their back

 

It had been a year since it all happened, and as much as I wanted to move on, I just couldn’t. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t. I had all these friends telling me it was time to let go, to move on. My honeybee wanted to go further with our relationship, and a part of me wanted that too, but I kept on seeing his face when I tried; the way he touched me, and held me tight so I couldn’t move, or get away. It sent chills down my back at the very thought.

 

I lost the battle in court, and couldn’t cope with it. I went to a party at my brother’s dorm to forget, drowning all my sorrows in alcohol. I didn’t really care what I was doing to myself.

 

When I saw his car, the rage all bottled up inside me, just made me explode. I ran Spin’s car right into his. To make matters worse, Spin tried to take the blame for me. It made me feel so guilty; I couldn’t let him do that.

 

Not too long after that I was left broken hearted when I found out stuff that had been going on behind my back. Another guy had hurt me, not physically this time, but emotionally.

 

Starting over, cold turkey

 

I had to start anew, try to find myself; the self that I seemed to have lost through my pain. I wanted to try new things out. That’s when I met him, and I just thought he was the greatest thing to come into my life. This was the best way to get away from everything I was trying to run from.

 

 Things started out rocky; I mean why wouldn’t they when he’s one of my teachers. It was so hard to be discreet about our relationship; worried that someone might see us on one our dates. However, at the same time it gave me all the reason not to hang out with my friends, to get away from everything I was running away from.

 

When I was with Matt, I didn’t have to be reminded of all the things that had gone wrong in my life, all the pain that had been caused. It felt nice for once; I didn’t feel like he was walking on eggshells around me, worried what he would say something that might upset me. He never felt the need to bring up the past.

 

I missed out on so much during those months, the new experiences that everyone was having. I was out of the loop about everything. So when I finally came back, when Matt had left for the summer, I found out just how much.

 

I was cruel to everyone around me, especially Manny since she had gotten my boyfriend fired. It was as if the demon inside of me had taken over fully. I was no longer the girl that had lots of friends; I was now the girl that everyone hated. I mean not everyone has always liked me, but I never had everyone treat me this way. Even my best friend hated the new me.

 

Washin’ your soul of everything that’s dirty

 

He had finally gotten back from his summer job, and I was totally stoked. It’s funny, but I thought what I had with Matt was love; oh how wrong I was. He turned out to be someone that I didn’t even know. It was as if he had played a little role before he left, just to get me into his hooks.

 

One night, not long after he came home, he asked if I wanted to try some pot. My first reaction was hell no!!! I mean it was drugs, and I knew that they were bad, but in the back of my mind at the time, I told myself that I couldn’t lose him, so I did it. It became almost an everyday thing when I was with him.

 

I ended up screwing up, the day of my college interview. Just before I went, I had some pot. He told me that it would calm me down, that it would take the pressure off. What was I thinking? I mean I couldn’t have been thinking of my future at the time. I went into the interview, and blew it.

 

There’s no way of knowing whether I’ll get into a college, but I was pretty sure that one wouldn’t be calling me. I started analyzing what I was doing, on how I got so screwed up like this, and it all came back to Dean. He had started this, ruining everything that was so dear to me; I had become someone that I hardly recognized anymore. I could say that I hated this girl, this girl who was supposed to be me.

 

I had to once again wash this all away from me, and pray that this time would be different, that nothing that Dean had done to me would affect me anymore, that I would finally be released.

 

The first thing was to get rid of this deadbeat boyfriend of mine; the one who actually got me to use drugs. Anyone who would let someone they supposedly love do that wasn’t worth my time of day.

 

After that, I decided that I would better myself, and really live my life. I thought maybe that a support group would help me surpass my demons. That I could finally fly free, and break away from these chains that had been holding me down for years.

 

Sealed your heart of every crack

 

That’s when I saw him there. I knew him from school, and through friends. He actually used to be my friend’s boyfriend; well at least before she cheated on him. I was little surprised to see him there though, it was somewhat unexpected.

 

My first instincts were to take off, and leave. I mean I didn’t want him to know about any of my problems; I didn’t want him to judge me. However, for some reason also I didn’t want him to think badly of me. That reaction surprised you and me both. I mean why would I care so much about his opinion; we’ve never really been the best of friends, we were more acquaintances.

 

I stayed that day, and it was best thing that could have happened to me. It was the day a new door opened for me, making me embark on things in a new light.

 

I listened to all the stories around me, and how they had all struggled through their lives, just as I had; for some reason or another as I listened to his story, I was amazed at what he had been through. I never knew half of what had happened to him, especially the part about him being bipolar, because just like me, he was scared to let anyone know about it. For the first time I felt like someone really knew what I was feeling, that I wasn’t all alone.

 

After that night I really started to getting to know the real him. He wasn’t the guy that some would think. When we were together, we talked about our fears, our dreams, and our wants for our lives. He told me when he was around me he didn’t feel like he had to worry about me thinking that he could crack at any moment, for I treated him just like any regular guy, just like the others had before they had found out he was sick.

 

Through those days together, we grew closer, and my feelings for him began to grow deeper. We soon became a couple, for we had finally found someone who we could be our true selves around; someone who understood the true meaning of what being hurt was. We weren’t afraid of what we might say or do around each other; like some of our friends or our significant others have. We didn’t feel the need to change each other to our liking. We were just happy being our true selves around one other, the people we longed to be.

 

As long as I live, I don’t think there could be a better person for me. Craig’s everything I dreamt for when I was a child, he ‘s my hero. He saved me when I thought there was no hope left; he sealed the cracks in my heart, as I did the same for him.

 

Now when I think about the past, it no longer hurts, the pain has flown away. It feels like the weight I’ve been caring for years has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I now look back at my memories, at my past, as a learning experience. I’ve grown from all the hurt, and all my wrong doings, and they’ve only made me stronger, into the women that I’m meant to be.