I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down

She used to love spinning when she was a child. That’s one of my first memories of her. It was at Joey and my moms' wedding, and I didn’t really know anyone there. I was sitting at the table watching her as she spun around looking so happy, enjoying life. I remember wishing I had as much joy for life. However living with my father there was a slim chance of that ever happening. It’s funny how things change throughout the years.

When I moved into Joey’s we started out as friends, but others that knew us wouldn’t have known that because it was more of a secret amongst the two of us, something for the both of us to hold on to.

In the halls, it was just hi here or there, but when she was at my house, in my garage, it was different. We told each other our dreams, our fears, everything. Some of the things we shared, no one else knew about us. It was just something we thought that we could only seem to share between us; it was as if we were scared for others to know them.

She was so easy to talk to; she never made me feel like I had to hide anything about my true self. I guess you just had to know her to understand what I am saying. You could say she was my best friend, maybe even my soul mate. I cared dearly for her, but at the time, I didn’t realize how much.

One day I just went and left her to fend for herself, leaving her all alone. I had went and found myself someone, spending all my free time with Ashley instead; never spending any more time with her. We became strangers to one another.

She was extremely hurt by my actions, but that never had been my attention. At first, I didn’t know why she was so fuming, but later I was told it was because she had feelings for me. I had no idea that she thought about me in that way, it’s not as if she ever hinted it or anything. Eventually, she went and found herself in the arms of another, and it was at that point that I finally realized my true feelings for her, but by then it was too…late.

I stayed with Ashley even after I realized my true feelings. She was with him, and I didn’t like the thought of being alone, on my own while she had him. I knew from the start that her boyfriend wasn’t good enough for her. Of course, in my view, no one really was; she was my angel, someone who deserved the world.

Some days I would look at her, and she would just look away or stare at me with bitterness in her eyes, as if I’m the one who got her into the hell she now lived in. If she loathes her life so much, then why does she stay with him, is it because I’m still with Ash, and she can’t tolerate watching.

I wanted to shout out to her, “Be with me, not him. I’m the one for you”

Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

She came back into my life for a brief moment. She had uncovered a big secret, a secret that would change her whole life. I sure was surprised that she had chosen me to help her out; it wasn’t as if we had spoken in months. Why choose me, why not her boyfriend?

I remember always praying that I would get my second chance that we would go back to the days in my garage, and here I was, finally getting my chance. I kept telling myself not to screw it up this time.

As I helped her out, it felt like we were finally getting back what we lost. Our friendship was finally going to be repaired, and maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that it would lead to something we both have dreamed of for so long. However, it ended as fast as started it. As soon as we uncovered the secret, she went right back to her deadbeat boyfriend, even after we shared that passionate kiss. I couldn’t comprehend it, was this not what she wanted, why had she run back to him. Later I found it was because she was scared after all this time. She had forgotten how to let herself be happy.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

Some days I would sit in my bed and look at the phone, trying to ease up the courage to phone her, but no, I am too much of a chicken. To tell you truth I didn’t think I would be able to find the right words to make her understand why. I loathed myself for leaving her, leaving her to be with him. A person that I could see she hated, maybe even a person who scared her.

I find it hard to sleep at night, as I wonder what she’s doing at this very moment. Is she thinking of me?

I longed to hold her in my arms, and never leave her again. This pain is eating me alive, making it harder and harder to go on. I needed something to help me forget, to forget her.

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

Ashley was no help; she didn’t help distract me from thinking about her, she only made it all the easier, she became very mind numbing to me. I just stayed with her out of comfort, someone keep me from being lonely.

Ash began to notice that I didn’t seem as interested anymore; she didn’t want to lose me so she found a way to keep my attention all on her. Boy did she really help me forget: the way she kissed my lips, nibbled on my ear, or how she would react when I touched every inch of her body. I mean I couldn’t help but enjoy it even a little, come on; I’m a guy with needs. It was hours before I thought about her. It felt so nice to forget; even of it was just for a little while.

I spent more and more time with Ashley doing what she wanted, and she helped me out. I did let my boys in on it though, and of course, Spin was cheering me on. He was a little jealous that he wasn’t getting any from his girl. If he knew my reasons behind sleeping with Ash would he be all for it?

It wasn’t that long before Ashley found some notes in my desk that revealed how I felt about her. She dumped me right on the spot. She despised me for lying to her, making her believe that I wanted to be with her. What was I going to do now to forget?

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

I wanted to be free of the burden that I held. I was the cause of so many heartaches, and it seem like the more I tried to forget her, the more pain I seem to cause. Why do I keep doing this to myself, letting myself suffer? Why can’t I be a man, and go after what I really want in life? Maybe then, my life would be how it is suppose to be.

Sometimes I wanted to drown my pain away in drugs and booze, but then I’d think of my father, and the way he was. I decided that I didn’t want to be like him, I didn’t want to become like someone I hated so much.

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I heard about the tragedy in her family. I couldn’t believe my ears, how could this be happening to her. I knew this was the last thing she needed in her life right now, knowing the pain she already had to handle. No one deserves this to happen to them, especially her. I just wanted to go right up to her, and shield her from the pain. I wanted to be her knight and shining armor, but I couldn’t, she had a brand new boyfriend for that.

All I could do was gaze at her from a far. I knew she was aching inside, I could tell by the way her eyes looked, her body language. Would this new guy be able to help her when she cried at night, would he know how to make her smile when she was down? I prayed that he could, otherwise she was going to be totally melancholy.

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down

I am pulled back into reality, away from the days of dreaming about her. Life has been nothing but dire to me. I decided the best thing for me was not to be anywhere close to her. Maybe then, I could go on with my life, and forget that she was ever my angel, the only one I have ever truly loved.

Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

When I thought nothing else could get any worse, I was hit with a bombshell. I found out that I was going to be a father, because of all my nights of trying to forget her. Maybe this was supposed to be a way to help me move ahead, instead of standing still as I have been for so long. I start thinking of my new little family; and how I was going to be the kind of dad that I never had. Okay, I didn’t really want to have a child with Ashley, but the thought of actually having someone that I help create, someone that I could love, made it all seem worth it.

It wasn’t too much time after that that those dreams went down the drain. My own flesh and blood was now dead because of the witch. She had killed our little innocent child just because she wasn’t ready, only thinking of herself of course. Did I not get a say in this matter, I mean I did take a part in the deed.

I wanted to hit something, scream at the top of my lungs, but most of all I wanted to be in her arms. I wanted her to make it all better. She was the only one that knew how to help me, to make me feel better. She had been the one to help me out when my dad died.

I spent many nights crying for my child, too caught up in my own little world that I didn’t see that she was starting to crumple away.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag

I was losing the battle with the world, after everyone found out about the pregnancy, it seemed like I couldn’t turn anywhere. It was worse than after everyone had found out that I used Ashley. They were saying that I had already ruined Ashley life, but now on top I had gotten her pregnant. Why is that all my thought, I kept telling myself. I mean she did take part in the deed. Why is it always the guy’s fault?

No one would really talk to me, except for Spin, and that was only when Paige wasn’t around, since she had him on a tight leash. Had Ash not told them that she got rid of it, or did she just think I should suffer even more; making me out to be this horrible person, someone that no one would want to be around.

The pain inside of losing everything that was precious to me was starting to get to me. What was I going to lose next, my sister? I mean is it ever going to stop!!!! Why was it that I always had to lose everything so dear to me?

It was time for me to go back to her, to plead my case. I don’t know if she would forgive me after all that has happened these past two years; but I had at least try. She is the only one that could make me better again, only one who could heal me.

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I come to her, begging on my knees, to let me back into her life. Right away, she took me in without making me explain, or anything. She just took me into her arms.

At that moment, I knew something was desperately wrong; she’s not one to forgive, and forget that easily. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she just laid there in my arms, crying. I just left it at that for a while. I needed to feel what it felt to have her in my arms; I needed to feel her lips on my body; but most of all I needed to feel what it felt like to make love to someone that you actually love whole hearted.

I can see that she is slowly wasting away, that she is crumpling to the ground. Not one of her friends seemed to notice, but I do. It seemed funny to me that her own friends, some that have known her longer then I, yet they don’t see the change in her. What does that really say about them? Are they really paying attention, or do they think that she could never fall far enough that she couldn’t get back right up.

When she woke up one morning, in my bed, I confronted her about the pills that fell out of her bag last night, in my room. She began to get fuming with me, telling me that it was none of my business, and that maybe it would have been better if I stayed out of her life. I tried to run after her, trying to get h her to come back, but it was no use. She walked away from me that day, this time her doing, not mine.

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

A week later, she phoned my house, she didn’t tell me that it was she, but I could tell by her angelic voice, all she said was “Good-bye” and then hung the phone right away.

I couldn’t figure out what she meant at first, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to freak out, almost having a panic attack; telling myself that this couldn’t be happening. I just ran down the stairs, out the front door of my house, leaving Joey there to wonder where I was heading in the middle of the night.

I had to save her from doing something foolish, something insane. I wished that I hadn’t brought up the pills that day, maybe then she would be in my arms, in my bed. No, I couldn’t think like that, she is going to be all right, she had to be. Then I would make sure that we would be together this time, not taking no for an answer.

I called 911 as I rushed there, so that they could be there as soon as possible. I was barely able to give them any details because I couldn’t seem to get out the words, words that I didn’t want to believe to be true. I didn’t want to think of her like that. I was breathing hard and heavy, as I ran towards her house; feeling like life was being sucked out of me.

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me

I arrived at her house, climbing through her bedroom window, to find her lying on the cold damp cement floor, clenching to her stomach. Her eyes were open vaguely; I could hear her whimper out in pain. “Why…are you here?” she asked me, in between her sobs of pain.

I knelt down right beside her, hovering over her, “Why wouldn’t I, you called me. I couldn’t just let you do this to yourself.”

I tried to move her on her side to help her throw up whatever she had taken, but she pushed me away with the last bit of strength she had.

“Don’t,” she pleaded with her eyes, looking so desperate to be alone.

“Why not,” I shrieked. Mad that she was giving up on herself, and even the chance of us. I didn’t want to give up that easily, I wanted to fight for that chance.

“The pain’s…too much,” she slowly spoke, having a hard time keeping her eyes open, they were starting to get very heavy. She was slowly fading away from the world, the world that she could no longer cope with.

I cried; my tears trickled upon her face. She was only one who ever seen me like this. Tears began to fall from her eyes, burning her skin at the very touch.

 Life didn’t seem fair, why was life doing this to me? Why was it taking her from me? The only thing I seem to have left.

Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside

I heard the ambulance in the background, and I was relieved, but in my heart, I knew it was too late. I looked down at her, and decided that it’s time I told her what I should have said from the moment I realized it, “I love you.”

For a brief moment she rested her hand on my cheek, “I…love you too,” she said in more of a whisper.

I pulled her into my arms as I did last week and just began to cry uncontrollably. She just pulled away, and glazed into my eyes, saying, “Don’t cry…I will always…be with you…”

Just like that, she was gone from my life again, but this time nothing would bring her back to me, not like the many times before. However, if Emma Nelson had to leave this world, at least it was in the right place, right with me, Craig Manning, in my arms.

I grasp that it all started the day I left her alone, with no one to turn to. If I would have been there for her when she really needed me, and hadn’t abandoned her; then maybe, just maybe, I could have helped her through all the pain that she held close to her heart. Maybe then, she wouldn’t have chosen to take her life.

Others are going to be without her because of my choices. They will never see her beautiful smile, hear her angelic voice, or just be in her wonderful presence. I can’t say my choice would have help, but I can’t help but wonder if it would have. I’m just going to have to live with this for the rest of my life, even if the pain of this is eating me alive inside.

The End