Chapter Four: Seeing Into the Depths of Your Heart

Kelsie arrived early to the boys’ band practice; she was just coming back from the mall, so she thought that she would just show up a little early. She didn’t think Craig would mind. She enjoyed coming and listening to their music; sometimes Paige would come so she wasn’t always alone.

She came through the garage door, to hear Craig strumming away on his guitar, singing a song. She leaned against the doorway, listening to the words; she didn’t want to disturb him. Moreover, if he knew she was there, he may not finish singing it, and she really wanted to hear the whole song. It was something that she had never heard him play before; it was so beautiful; it real showed a part of his heart that he never let anyone else see.

Na na

Na na na na na na

I miss you

I miss you so bad

I don’t forget you

Oh it’s so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found

It wouldn’t be the same

Na na

Na na na na na

I didn’t get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can’t

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found

It wouldn’t be the same

I’ve had my wake up

Won’t you wake up

I keep asking why

I can’t take it

It wasn’t fake

It happened you passed by

Now you’re gone

There you go

Somewhere I can’t bring you back

Now you’re gone

There you go

Somewhere you’re not coming back

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found

It wouldn’t be the same

Na na

Na na na na na na

I miss you

There was so much power in those words Craig sung. Kelsie glanced at Craig, and noticed tears had formed in his eyes as he finished singing. She knew that this song was about someone who was close to him that had died. She didn’t go up to him until she knew he was finished.

As she slowly walked up to him, he still hadn’t noticed her; he was wiping away his tears. Kelsie put her hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay Craig?”

Startled by her touch, he jumped up from his seat, “How long have you been standing there?” He really hoped that she hadn’t been there the whole time; he didn’t want anyone to know about that part of him. He was still this scared little boy afraid to let people in.

“Long enough to hear that beautiful song." Giving off a fake smile, “So are you okay?” wondering if he would like to talk about it. She wasn’t sure he would though, since they hadn’t known each other too long.

“Yeah I’m fine,” he lied hoping that she didn’t notice the tears in the corner of his eyes. He didn’t really like to show is feeling to others, especially someone he barely knew. He still had that part of him closed off from the world.

“Then why were you crying? Who was that song about?” knowing that he was putting up a front. For someone that she just met she found it was easy to read him.

“Okay, why don’t you sit down?” He led her to the old leather couch on the side.

“I was crying because I was thinking about my mother, and how much I miss her. When I’m alone in the garage, and down, I usually play that song.”

“It’s beautiful,” she said staring deep into his brown eyes, she could see the gloom in them. She couldn’t imagine how it felt to lose someone. That song spoke on so many levels of what he was feeling, stuff he didn’t let out.

“Yeah, just like she was. I see a lot of her in my sister everyday,” thinking of how Angie was becoming more and more like her every single day. Having Angie around was like having a part of his mom back.

“Why haven’t you let anyone else hear that song?” She thought that he should share this side of him with everyone, show them that there was more to him then they thought.

“I guess I wasn’t ready to show everyone that part of me,” scared of truly shedding those walls he had up against his heart. He was scared to allow anyone to close, in fear that someone may hurt him badly. It seemed that everyone he had ever loved had left him, so he just built a wall around his heart, making it impossible to climb over to get close to him.

Smiling at him, seeing that there was a lot of beauty to him, “I think you should because that part of you is warm loving person, and shows that you care.”

He didn’t want to believe what she was telling him, he still thought badly of himself. “If I was that kind of person then I wouldn’t have done what I did to Ashley and Manny.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked confused, she hadn’t heard anything about that. From what she knew about him, he had a caring heart. She didn’t understand why he would be putting himself down. Could he not see the great person he was?

At that moment, he wished he kept his mouth shut. He thought someone would have informed her about that by now, warning her to stay away from him. “You really want to know, because once you know it might change your opinion of me.”

Putting her hand over top of his, smiling, “I want to know.” She was eager to know what happen to make him think so low of himself.

“Last year I was dating Ashley. Well I could never tell her how I felt for her because I didn’t know how to express myself. I finally told her through a song. The night of Paige’s birthday party, she told me we would have sex. Well I told Spinner, who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. She got mad at me, and I left real depressed; well Manny followed me, she came on to me and I just never resisted…”

Kelsie interrupeds him, “You wouldn’t be the first person to cheat.” She knew many people who had done that, but it didn’t mean that they couldn’t change, and learn from their mistakes.

“No there’s more. I couldn’t get Manny out of my system, she was always around.” He couldn’t even look at her as he continued, in fear that she might hate him after she heard the rest. “By Christmas Manny wanted me to choose, but I couldn’t. Well Ashley found my present for Manny and figured it out.”

“Wow, but that still doesn’t mean you haven’t changed since then.” Putting her arm around him, “Trust me I know someone from Sechelt that has done far worse than you.”

Looking deeply into her eyes, “I’ve never met someone so understanding.” She really did have a kind heart, he thought. She was too good to be true; he had never met any one quite like her. He wanted to move in a kiss her, but then he was reminded of her boyfriend back home.

“If you lived in Sechelt, then you would understand,” she smirked.

“Thanks,” he leaned in for a hug; they slowly moved from their embrace, gazing into each other’s eyes. They both felt some kind of force pulling them together; slowly their lips came closer and closer until they were touching. The kiss was soft at first, but as the tension increased, the kiss became rough, crushing each other’s lips. They had forgotten about everything, in that moment no one else existed. It was like they were the only ones left in the world.

Craig hand caressed her thigh, moving it under her butt to bring her closer to him. He knew it was wrong, but it felt so right to him. He finally had his chance to be with her, and he didn’t want it to end.

From the garage, they could hear Spinner and the rest of the boys coming closer to the garage door, laughing. Kelsie and Craig both heard it, so they quickly departed from the kiss before the others caught them. It wouldn’t look good when they all knew she had a boyfriend.

“Craig this never happened. This was just a big mistake,” she said immediately. “I’m in love with my boyfriend.” What did I just do, she thought to herself. So many things began racing through her head, the guilt began to eat away in her stomach. She never thought she would be the kind of person to do that, especially when she had someone so great back home, someone who adored her. You could see the anguish on her face; she just sat there thinking of how atrocious she was.

Those words were like a fire to his heart. He really thought that maybe she had decided that long distance relationships just don’t work, that she would give him a chance. “Okay it never happened,” he reluctantly said, barely able to get those words out of his mouth. Why did it have to happen if nothing was going to come of it? Was this some kind of cruel joke on him? Oh, here’s what it’s like to have her in your arms kissing you, but you can’t really have her.

As the boys entered the garage, Kelsie became feeling uncomfortable being there, she felt like they all were staring at her, as if they knew. She got up from the couch, “Well I have to go… something came up,” she said fast, almost running out the door. She just couldn’t be in there anymore; it just made her feel worse.

“Dude, what was that all about?” Spinner asks, after she had left the garage; finding the situation very odd.

“I don’t know,” Craig lied. He jus hoped that this didn’t ruin the friendship that they had begun to have.

“Whatever,” Spinner said, knowing that there was more to it that he wasn’t saying. He’d get out of him later, or a least try.

******

Sunday afternoon Kelsie sat in her room playing the piano. She didn’t accept any calls last night or today, she wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone at this point. She couldn’t believe she let something like that get to her; it was so not like her. The last thing she wanted was to do something that would put her relationship with Chris in jeopardy. She truly loved him, but something about Craig was drawing her to him, making her think about him some nights.

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading

Kelsie was singing when Craig starting climbing the stairs to her room. Instead of knocking when he got to the door, he just leaned again the wall on the outside, listening to her sing, but hiding so she wouldn’t see him. He knew she wouldn’t be too thrilled to know that he was here in the first place, not after yesterday, but he needed to talk to her. He wanted to make sure that she didn’t hate him.

And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

Craig couldn’t believe that she knew how to sing so well, let alone play the piano. She hadn’t shown any of her friends this part of her, and he couldn’t help but wonder why. He decided to interrupt her to find out.

“Hey Kels,” he said coming in her room with a half smile.

“Don’t you knock?” she said impolitely, turning to away from him, towards the window, just looking at him made her mad at him, but also at herself for letting it even happen. She couldn’t believe that he thought he could just show up here, he had no decency.

“Sorry, but why didn’t you tell me you could sing?” walking further into her room.

Turning back towards him, “Like you, I wasn’t ready to share that part of me with anyone else.”

“Well does your boyfriend know about this side at least?” curious to know if he was the first one to find out her secret, he rather hoped he was. He wanted to share something special with her that no one else knew.

“Yeah, but he’s the only one…well besides you now.”

“What was that you were singing?” probing to find out all he could about the girl he loved so dearly.

“Something that I wrote a while back for Chris,” getting a little sad when thinking of him. “What brings you by?”

“I came to apologize about yesterday; I should have never kissed you.”

“Craig, I’m just as much to blame about it as you. I guess I just missed what it felt like to be cared about; it’s just been so long since Chris and I have seen each other. Sometimes it really gets to me. Yeah I love him, but being so young makes it’s just so hard to maintain a long distance relationship. I never thought it would be this hard when we settled on the idea,” she said almost in tears. She brought her knees in close to her and covered her face with her hands. She was letting her emotions get the best of her.

Craig strolled over, sat on the bench next to Kelsie, and just held her in his arms as she cried. This was hard for him to say, but he knew it was the right thing to do, “Maybe after you go back to see him maybe then you will feel better.”

Kelsie released from their embrace, and looked at him, trying to smile, “Maybe you’re right!”

Wanting to here her voice some more, “So will you play me the whole song?”

Feeling comfortable enough to play it for him, “Okay, but you can’t tell anyone.” She didn’t want the other to know because she wasn’t ready to let the other see the whole Kelsie, the Kelsie that was less stand-offish.

Thinking of a great idea, “Alright, but I think you might be a great addition to our band.”

“You can’t be serious,” thinking that he was joking. He couldn’t actually want her to do it.

“But I am.”

“I’ll think about it,” not sure if she was quite ready for that. It would be a huge step, a step that seemed so scary.

Kelsie turned back towards her Piano, and began to play the intro to the song.

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me

Fall...With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless
How you never seem to care

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's a mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom
Crash, you're all I have

Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

How do you know everything I'm about to say?
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face...
I hope it never goes away... yeah

On a Monday, I am waiting
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your arms...
So I can breathe

Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

“If that book you’re writing is anything like the music you write, then people better watch out for you,” saying that put a smile on her face, she couldn’t help but blush.

Giving him a hug, “Thanks for being such a great friend. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t meet you. I mean you’ve done nothing but make me feel welcomed, and less homesick.”

“No problem. Do you want to come with me to meet Spin, Ash, Paige, and Jimmy at The Dot?” hoping that he would be able to get her out of the house. He hated to see her sit at home again.

“Sure why not, I’ve been cooped up in the house all day. Just let me change first.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you downstairs,” heading towards the door.

“Alright,” she smiled as she shut the door behind her. Maybe they could forget about this ordeal and still be great friends.

Songs: “Slipping Away” by Avril Lavigne and “Pieces of Me” by Ashlee Simpson