Kelsie walked over to Paige’s house on Sunday morning, she thought that she could use the exercise, plus it would give her a chance to think about what she was going to say. She had a huge hangover from the prior night; the sun was causing her head to hurt, but she had to apologize no matter what. She wasn’t even sure if Paige would talk to her, but she had to try at least, she owed her that much.

She was a little tense as she came up to the front door, but she forced herself to bring her arm up so she could knock. She waited there for a few moments before the door slowly opened. It was Paige’s brother Dylan; he stood there, glaring down on her, making her feel a little uneasy.

“Dylan…can I speak to Paige…please,” she looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Not if you’re going to upset her again. She’s been crying non stop these last couple of days,” he said rudely, glaring at her with hate. He hated that this girl in front of him had treated his sister so badly when she hadn’t even done anything wrong. He didn’t really believe that she wouldn’t do it again.

“I came over to apologize to her,” just hoping that he would let her in, but she wasn’t going to hold her breath.

“Alright, but if she tells you to leave, listen, because if you don’t I will have to force you to myself.”

Dylan moved out of her way so that she could enter; she moved towards the stairs, climbing them to get to Paige’s room. She arrived in front of her room, she stopped for a moment, and took at big breath before knocking on the door.

Paige heard a knock on her door, but she wasn’t sure if she was up to talking to anyone, even if it was a family member. She looked terrible; her eyes were all red and puffy from all the crying she had done. “Who is it?”

“Kelsie…can I come in?”

What did she want? Did she want to start another fight, cause more pain, Paige thought, but she wanted to know what she had to say for herself anyways, “You may.”

When Kelsie saw her face she knew Dylan had been right, she had been crying a lot; this only made her feel dreadful for how she had acted. She looked to the ground, “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting; I should have never taken it out on you or anyone.” It made her want to cry just thinking about it.

“That’s for sure,” Paige said snotty with a roll of her eyes.

“I wanted to believe he wasn’t gone, because thinking of that made me feel guilty, that it was my fault; so thinking that everything was alright I thought was the best way to deal with it.”

“Yeah, but then what was with the attitude?” thinking that was no reason to treat everyone like crap.

“Well, it became harder and harder to pretend, and it became the only way to make me not feel the pain I felt inside, to help me feel all numb inside. But it still doesn’t excuse the way I treated anyone,” feeling ashamed of herself. If Chris were still alive, he would have been real disappointed in her because he would never believe she could ever be that way.

“No it doesn’t.”

“I blamed myself for what happened to him, I mean if I hadn’t come to visit then he wouldn’t have been there at that time, plus it didn’t help that I still never told him about what happened. I mean what kind of person am I to go and kiss another when I supposed to be so in love with him.”

“We’re all only human, we all make mistakes. The accident though wasn’t your fault, it was that guy who decided to get in his car, and drive drunk.”

“It’s just I’ve never lost someone so close to me. I just lost it, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, and then someone had to drink and drive, and takes that away from me, changing my whole life. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life,” tears rolled down her cheeks.

Paige came over to her and put her arms around her, “Hun he would want you to follow the dreams you have for yourself, to be happy.”

“Yeah, but he was someone who kept me strong; I could be upset and I’d just have to talk to him, and I would feel better. I don’t have any other person here like that.”

“Hun, no one said any of this would be easy, but whenever you feel like that, phone one of us to talk. We’ll try our best to help you.”

“Thanks,” she gave a slight smile.

Changing the subject to brighten up the mood, “So what are you doing today?”

“Well I have to go to Craig’s for a practice, and then I’m all free.”

“What do you mean practice?” confused, especially when she thought she was still mad at him. Had she missed something?

“Well Craig and the guys want me to be part of their band.”

A little surprised, but knew exactly why Craig had let her join, “Aw that’s so cool, you’re the first girl they have even thought of letting in their band.”

“Wow, well how you would like to come with me, then after we could have a REAL girl’s night out.”

“Sounds good to me, just let me get dress and then we can go.”

“Alright,” she said leaving her room to let her change.

******

Paige and Kelsie drove over to Craig’s place to find the guys talking, so they stood outside the garage door, and decided to listen to what they were talking about. Maybe they would find out something interesting, one of the guys secrets.

“So, what happened last night?” Marco asked. “I saw you come into the party, and then all of sudden you were gone.”

“Well I kind of had to save Kelsie from doing something stupid with that James guy,” he said with disgust in his voice when he said James’s name, he really loathde that guy, especially for the way he used girls.

“So did she thank you? Or THANK YOU?” Spinner asked, wanting to know if he got anything in return for his help.

Craig hit Spinner on the arm, “At first she was trying to kiss me, but I couldn’t do that to her when she really didn’t mean it. We talked for a while, and I think the real Kelsie is back.”

“My hero!” Jimmy joked getting down onto one knee in front of Craig, with his hands on his heart.

Craig pushed him out of the way, “Come on.” The guys always had to bug him about her, since they all knew that he cared deeply for her.

“I never did that Jimmy,” Kelsie laughed as her and Paige walked through the door.

“So how are you doing today?” Craig asked, wondering if her head hurt after drinking so much. He knew his would be if the situation were changed.

“Okay, better than last night. I had myself a cry fest after you dropped me off at home,” looking at him and only him. She was forever grateful for him helping her get back to her old self so that she could truly recover from this ordeal.

“Just think baby steps,” Marco said.

“Why would that be?” Kelsie looked confused at what he was talking about.

“Because it will take little baby steps to get through a tragic ordeal such as yours.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get over it,” she admitted, looking down at her ring.  “Craig, can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” confused about what she might want.

******

They both walked out of the garage onto the front deck, sitting on the swing, they began to swing on it, “What did you want?”

“I’m sorry again about playing with your emotions,” looking at him. She had no right do that, it wasn’t fair to him.

“It’s not all your fault, I shouldn’t have read so much into it when I knew you had a boyfriend,” leaning back on the swing.

“But now that I’ve shown a part of me to others. I think it’s time you let others see the other side. Let others truly in.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready,” not wanting others to think he wasn’t tough anymore. He didn’t know if he would ever be able to show them that side, to him it was personal.

“I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I had to do it anyways,” even though he kind of forced her in a way, but he wasn’t going to get into that.

“But…”

“No butts,” she interrupted. “When are you going to let people get close enough to love you? To know your whole story before you came here,” knowing that you can’t hide forever.

It scared Craig to know she could read him so well. No other person he had met had been able to do that. Tears glistened in the corner of Craig’s eyes, “You don’t even get how it feels.”

“No I don’t, but you won’t even tell me. I’m your best friend, yet you don’t share what you’re truly feeling. The closest you’ve come was when you wrote me that song telling me that you loved me.”

“I don’t feel like talking about this. We should go practice,” he said trying to change the subject, doing anything to avoid having to bare his soul, something that he was so scared of doing. He began to walk back towards the garage. Kelsie knew that he pretended to be happy, even if he wasn’t all the time. What was behind that guarded heart she wondered, what had made build that wall in the first place?

******

Sunday afternoon Kelsie sat on her couch that faced her French doors in her room that lead to the deck. She was looking out the doors at the yard, when her telephone rang. After it rang twice, she answered it. “Hello.”

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Brennan asked as he lay on his couch at home.

“A little tired of hearing that same question,” she said rolling her eyes. That’s seemed to be the favorite question for everyone to ask her. Did they really need to ask?

“Sorry!” not wanting to upset her that was the last thing she needed at this time. He had heard from Danielle that she had been trying to avoid the truth about his death.

“It’s okay; I’ve just had such a rough couple weeks. I almost did something real stupid,” hating herself for barely letting any time past by after he died, and almost doing it.

“What would that be?” thinking it couldn’t be as bad as she thought. He felt for her, and what this ordeal was doing to her. He wished it could all be over.

“I almost slept with some guy.”

“I see, and why would you do that?” knowing that it was something so out of character.

“I don’t know I just wanted to feel something again, anything but the pain that I kept deep down inside me. I felt so numb after hearing the news. I went around acting as if life goes on; I put on this happy face, but the truth of the matter was I just didn’t know how to cope with it otherwise.”

“Aw Kels, I wish we were there for you when you’re going through this,” he said with sympathy. He hated the thought that she had to go through this, especially without her friends who knew what he truly had meant to her.

“How’s his family doing?” she worried about them. She hadn’t found the courage yet to pick up the phone to talk to them, knowing that it would make it even more real.

“Not good, especially his mom; she’s being crying hysterical, I feel so bad for her, they had such a great relationship. I wish I could do something for her to help her get through this.”

“I was going to phone her, but I couldn’t bring myself to dial the number.”

“You should, I think she would really like to talk to you, especially since you and Chris were so close. After you moved, she said you were like another daughter to her, and couldn’t wait until it was official. She also said you were the best thing to happen to Chris, she saw how happy you made him everyday, and didn’t think anyone else would ever be able to do that.”

 Those words brought tears to her eyes, but at the same time, it was very hard to hear, but it was nice to know that Mrs. Hayes felt this way about her. Of course, she wouldn’t if she knew the secret that Kelsie kept, “Would you email me photos of you guys together?”

“Yeah, but why?” curious to know why she would need them.

“I think for a Christmas present for Mrs. Hayes I’m going to make a remembrance video tape for her and the family.”

“That would be really kewl!” knowing that would bring a smile on all their faces. That’s something they needed during the holidays.

“Yeah, I want to make her Christmas as special as it can be under the circumstances. So how is everyone else?”

“Holding up, we’ve been sharing old stories about times we shared with him. They all say hi, and send their condolences, Karen has wanted to call but she just didn’t know what to say to you. Everyone’s actually doing something to send to you themselves.”

She really felt loved, she was glad that she had such a great group of friends. “Tell them I say hi though.”

“I will, what have you been up to?”

“Well as of yesterday I’m in a band.”

“It’s about time!” letting out something that Chris had told him, something that he was never suppose to know.

“Chris told you, didn't he?”

“Yeah, but we were best friends, he was just so proud of you, he couldn’t keep it in. He wanted everyone to know about it, but knew you weren’t ready,” remembering how well Chris could read her. He had known her since elementary school, but even he couldn’t tell what was on her mind all the time.

“I know that’s why I finally decided to do it; I wanted to show him I wasn’t afraid anymore because he helped me,” gloating.

“He would have loved that, he never stopped telling us how much he loved you, and how you made him the happiest guy in the world. When he picked out that ring he was so ecstatic, he couldn’t wait to put it on your finger. From the moment he saw it, he knew it was the ring for you.”

Playing with it on her finger, “It meant a lot to me, the night he gave it to me still plays all the time in my head. It was the happiest moment in my life, and as long as I live I will never forget anything about it.”

“I always envied you two, you were so great together, and I wanted a relationship like that.”

“You’re so sweet,” she smiled.

“I know,” he joked. “Well I better get going; I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.” She put down her phone, and lay down on the couch, with a picture of Chris. She traced over every inch of Chris’s face in the picture with her finger, remembering every bump, every scar on it.

******

The next week Kelsie worked on her movie for Chris’s family. She really wanted it to be perfect, something to help them remember the great things about him. Craig helped her with the editing, since she didn’t really know how to do it.

She tried to help him open up, but he just kept on changing the subject; anything to get out of doing it. He was really being stubborn about the whole thing. He loved her and all, but he was scared that she would just leave him like the rest. She wasn’t his, so what’s to say that he would even have his chance.

Craig walked through the front door of his house with a frown on his face, only to find Emma sitting on his couch, watching the TV. There was no one else in sight. “Emma what are you doing here?”

“Joey asked me to watch Angie while he went grocery shopping. He didn’t feel like dragging her along, you know how she gets.”

Looking around the room, “Where’s Angie?”

“She went to get something from her room.”

“Oh, okay.”

Emma looked at her watch, “You’re home a little early.” According to Joey he wasn’t suppose to be back until late.

“I just had a little fight with Kelsie.”

“What are you guys going out?” knowing how much Craig like her. It had been a while since they had really talked, so she felt out of the loop a little.

“No, it’s too soon for her. Nevertheless, she wants me to open up about something. It’s like she wants to save me or something.”

“Do you need to be saved?” knowing that there was still some things that he never talked to her about. She could tell that he was scared of something, but she wasn’t sure what.

“Not right now, I’m fine with how things are going,” he lied, not wanting to admit the Kelsie could read her so well. Letting in people only seemed to lead to pain. He had slowly let Kelsie in before and she ended up breaking his heart the moment that she said that the kiss was all a mistake.

“Tell her that then,” getting annoyed that Kelsie was trying to push him too much. She deeply cared about Craig and didn’t think it was right that someone tell him how he should live his life.

“I did, but she doesn’t listen. She says she can read me,” rolling his eyes. Why could she not just leave it alone, he thought. He hated to be pushed. He was so mad he felt like punching the wall.

“Maybe she’s right; maybe she can read you, and you’re just lying to me.” Starring into his eyes, hoping to find answer to her question.

“I don’t need to be ganged up on. I’m out of here,” he said tread heavily towards the stairs. This was the last thing he needed was another person pining to know things that were none of their business.

“Craig,” she called out, “I was just trying to help.”

Turning spinning around to face her for a second, “That’s the problem; I don’t want to be helped. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it all my life.” He had survived the many beatings from his dad, and he had survived the gossip last year; he would be fine on his own.

He left the room leaving Emma with a real stunned face. She had never seen Craig act like that before. She knew now that Kelsie must have been right if he was this defensive. She had lost touch with Craig that she didn’t even know as much as this new girl seemed to know, that kind of hurt because they had been best friends, and now that place was taken by her.

******

Before Kelsie sent off the video to Sechelt, she let her girlfriends, plus Marco watch it, since they wanted to see it. They wanted to see what heR life was like before Degrassi. They all sat in her room on her couch, and a couple on the floor.

It began with Kelsie sitting in her room, with a guitar in her arms, talking. “I’m sorry that you had to lose Chris at such a young age. He was my very best friend, my love, and so much more, more than words could ever say. He will forever be missed in all of our hearts. I wish I could have only been there to be supportive in your time of loss. Now here’s a present from all of us.” She began to stroll on her guitar, singing:

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

It’s started out showing some early pictures with his boyz, when they were in elementary together. All the times they got themselves into mischief. Kelsie sang the song in the background.

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
                                                                                                                                                                                So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

Next came photos of all the friends together, some were pictures from school, and other’s were little day trips they had taken, or the ones of the parties they went to. They just showed the many times they had spent together. It stopped in the middle of the song to show a clip from the play that Chris and she had done together, the performance that had brought them together in the first place.

“Yoo-hoo. Steve it’s me!” Rita said waving as she came through the door. (Kelsie was playing her)

(Chris was playing Steve) Steve straightens his tie, sees hair is in place with hand movement! “Oh, good morning, Rita.”

“I was just passing the store and I thought to myself, I’d just pop in and see how dear Stephen is. And dear Katherine of course.”

“Well, thanks very much.”

“And I did so want to show you this,” she unwraps a package. It’s an ugly vase of sorts.

He examines it, “What- what is it?”

“Why, Steve it’s a pottery vase. A talented, little friend of mine in Greenvale makes them. Isn’t it a perfect duck?”

“What do you do with it?”

Rita comes closer to Steve, “You make simply sweet floral arrangements in it. And so many bookstores are widening their spheres these days. I thought it would be the perfectly splendid if you put in a line of these. There’s no telling what sort of customers they’d attract.”

“No, there isn’t is there? Look, Rita, I’m sorry, and I know you’re trying to be helpful, but this is a bookstore...”

(Played by Alex) Kathy comes back holding manuscript. “Oh Steve, I’ve read the chapter, and I honestly don’t think- oh- oh, the itch is in again,” she said glaring at Rita. “Good morning Rita.”

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

It then went back to the song and more photos from their days in school, especially in their drama class. The many crazy times that they just goofed around with their roles.

Soon Kelsie began to sing her song that she wrote for him while photos of Chris and her were shown, from their first date, to their first dance together. They were all there. The boys had even snuck in a few photos of their stolen kisses.

Another video clip appeared of them walking away from their friends, onto the beach, holding hands, and at first, the camera didn’t follow them. It soon turned to show Chris with his arms around Kelsie’s waist.

“Kelsie these last few months have been nice. And I can hardly believe that I have found such an Angel,” Chris said, playing with her long hair.

You could see the tears run down her eyes Chris brushed them away. “You have made all my dreams come true!”

“Who would have thought last year that we would have been friends, let alone going out.”

“I wouldn’t have, but I have to say I always had a thing for you since the first day I laid my eyes on you,” glazing into her eyes, with love.

Those words made Chris cry now, that just made Kelsie smile to see how real his feelings really were. “I’ve been feeling this for a long while, but wasn’t sure you were ready to hear it. Kelsie Fitzgerald, I’m madly, deeply in love with you.”

“I truly love you too,” at those words, Chris cupped her chin with his hands, and kissed Kelsie gently on her lips. Kelsie soon ended the kiss guiding Chris down the beach.

It went back to photo’s of them hanging around the Hayes household, just having fun around there. The last photo that was shown was the picture of the day Kelsie went home for the last time. She was standing in front of Chris, he holding out her hand, showing off the ring he had bought her. They both looked so happy there; who would have thought it would be the last photo.

It went back to Kelsie in her room, “I want you to know that your son was the most caring person in the world. He helped me when I was in trouble, and had no one else to turn to. He was my soulmate, and never in the years that I live will I forget Chris. I loved him with all I have. You guys will always be family in my heart.”

When the video was over, there wasn’t a single dry eye in the room. They were moved by how much her heart had gone into it. This really showed the kind of life she had in Sechelt.

“Kels, that was great. I really like that you sang on it too. I bet his family is really going to be touched by this,” Marco said looking right behind him where Kelsie was seated on the couch.

“Thanks, doing this made me feel closer to him again,” she said looking down at her lap.

“Just remember he will always be with you even if he isn’t alive anymore,” Paige said smiling at her.

“Yeah, I know,” she said with a smile.

Song: "Untitled" by Simple Plan