Chapter Thirty-Seven

            I spent the rest of December and January practicing for the Julliard auditions as Craig tried to cope with Ashley’s death. I would attend dance schools and I bought a whole new pair of ballerina slippers because I had grown out of my old ones. I bought a new suite and I practiced three hours a day until my feet bleed. I would practice so hard that I felt weak, like I could no longer sit, let alone stand. My feet were black and blue from the new shoes and toe nails started coming off because the shoe had not yet been worn in. It was the worse practice in my entire life. I was at higher stakes since I had not been dancing for a considerably long of a time as the other girls had. I’d practice in my room/the garage because I really felt like I didn’t want anyone there.

            A week before the auditions I got a call from the school and they were holding rehearsals in the basement of the El Moncambo for the audition for Julliard. I took myself to most of the classes and every time I went I would see these beautiful girls and being so gracefully that it bothered me because I felt that I could never reach that point again.

            Well one night I decided to practice my full routine in the garage. I blasted the music loud and did my ballet routine and half through my routine I totally tripped and fell onto the couch and I heard the door open so I looked up as I held my ankle. “Hey.” Craig send, “What’s up?” I said, “Nothing.” He said picking up a picture frame and looking at the picture from the school dance in grade 10. I took my shoe off slowly, making painful noises. “You okay?” he asked putting the picture down. I took my other show off and took a deep breath as I looked at my bleeding feet. “I can’t do it.” I said, he looked confused and walked over to were I was as I placed the ballet slippers on the couch and he looked down at my feet. “Ouch.” He said, I looked up at him. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” I said, “I mean all the other girls have been doing this for years and years and they’re all this thin little stick and there poise and concentration is so much greater than mine will ever be!” I said growing louder with each word spoken. He crouched down to the floor, “You’ll be great really.” He said, I nodded my head no. “I can’t do it.” I said laughing and placing my forehead on his, he started a fake laugh. “Yes you can. You’ve got more drive and ambition then anyone out there.” He said, “No I don’t.” I said as I started to tear up a little. “Yes you do.” He said, I nodded my head no yet again. “Yes, you’ve got more drive and ambition more than anyone out there.” He said, “No.” I said. “Yes.” He said picking my head up off his and again I looked into those hazel eyes, those fucking hazel eyes. I have seen every type of emotion in those hazel eyes than I’ve ever seen in anyone else and each time I feel for the emotion, whatever it may be. “Why are you being so nice?” I said, “Danielle I don’t have anything, I don’t have a girlfriend or parents and it makes me miserable and you have everything in the world that makes you happy.” He said, “Except you.” I said jokingly as I looked back down at my feet. He giggled and I looked back up at him. “I don’t have everything.” I said, “But then why do you have a smile on your face everyday, no matter what?” He said sitting up next to me, I shrugged my shoulders and looked back at him. “So you’re gonna go inside and ice your feet and come back out here and I’m gonna see that same lame cheesy my smile I see on your face when you dancing.” He said laughing, I started laughing and I got up and went to the door and I turned back around. “I still don’t get why your being so nice.” I said as I left the garage. “Me neither.” He said under his breath as I closed the door.

            I came back in the garage and Craig was playing on his guitar. “So…my feet are numb.” I said was I waddled over to the couch and sat in the corner. “So let’s see what you got.” He said placing the guitar down. “Maybe when I can feel my feet again.” I said grabbing the pillow and hugging it in my lap. “Hey you got a car on January 12?” I asked,” Why?” he asked, “I need a car and Joey wont be here…” I said. “Probably.” He said, “Hey can you take me to my audition. You don’t have to come in you just have to drop me off.” I said a little nervous. “Why you all shaky?” he said picking up his guitar and messing with it again. “I haven’t been to the basement in years and I just I don’t know…” I said nodding my head in confusion. “Yeah…okay…” he said laughing. “Craig I really don’t think I can do this.” I said looking at my feet as I started to feel them again. “Do you want Julliard?” he asked not looking up. “Yeah.” I said confused. “Then you can do it.” He said nodding as he tested a tune on his guitar. “This is really weird.” I said laughing, “Why? Why is it being all weird?” I asked getting up from the couch and then Craig pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. “What’s this?” I asked as I started to open it in confusion. “I was in the garage practicing, you were out practicing, and it was on the table.” He said pointing to the little night stand. “It looked interesting.” I read the paper. “You applied for Julliard?” I asked smiling and sitting down next to him. “It looks fun.” He said, “And besides, It wouldn’t hurt if I knew someone at the school.” He said jokingly. I giggled and put the letter on the couch and turned on the music to my free style routine and starting practicing that. Craig then turned the music stop and I froze, “I sorta need that!” I said as I looked at him through my legs with my arms over my head. “Use this.” He said and he started playing something on his guitar. I stood up and looked at him and started bopping my head to the beat getting some moves in my head. Before I knew it was dancing my free style to Craig’s music.

            The day of the audition Craig drove me their and we waited in the lounge for our names to be called. I got called in first and I looked over at Craig “You ready?” I asked him, “The question is are you?” he said laughing. We got up and walked into the basement. “Smyth, Danielle and Manning, Craig.” I said pointing to Craig. “We don’t have Craig till 6:30.” Said one of the judges looking at his sheet. “I know, he’s part of my routine.” I said placing the CD into the player. “Okay…” he said. I nodded and Craig walked off and sat in a seat. The music started and I began to dance, and I mean really dance, I started moving and swaying like an angel on a cloud through the soft music and my proportion and balance were impeccable. I started the song off in a little ball and as the music played I opened up like a blossom, opening myself to the music as if I were a flower. I completed every turn and twist and leap with confidence, energy and persuasion and I felt the audience as I drew them into the dace, as every dancer does and I grinned as I had my back faced away from the audience. I was suppose to keep a straight face the whole time so if I smiled in front of them would completely screw my routine up. My routine ended and they asked to see my free style, “I’ll need Craig.” I said trying to catch my breath. “Okay.” The judge nodded, “Craig.” I said pulling a chair out from the back and he didn’t flinch. “Craig!” I said pointing to the chair for him, he looked up and walked on stage. He nodded and took a seat as I pulled another chair out for myself and sat on it. And during the dance I grew stronger and stronger. Every emotion I felt, every experience I had came to life during my dance. And before I noticed Craig had stopped playing and the lights came back on. I stopped trying to catch my breath and feeling sweat roll down my face and stick to my cloths. I looked over at the judges as the middle one stood up. “We can’t stay this on the record Ms. Smyth, but welcome to Julliard.” He said with a smile, my smile grew as I thanked him and Craig got up off the chair placing the guitar on his. “Thank you!” I said again, jumping and Craig caught me giving me a hug, I pulled away as I still had my arm around his waist and his arm around mine, “Thank you.” I said again catching my breath. “Mr. Manning, could you please do your part now.” He said, Craig nodded, grabbed his guitar as I headed off stage. Craig played and did an amazing job and they said to start packing because we were both headed to New York and I jumped from my seat with a big smile, this was the best day in my entire life.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

            Apparently I had missed out on a lot while practicing for my audition, apparently Manny had gotten into some major trouble with Peter and I’ll never know about what, Alex came out of her closet and I was shocked to find that Alex Padenski was gay! And apparently J.T. got in a car accident, he was okay but he totally crashed his car. So it was a little weird to concentrate back on school when I knew I was going to Julliard and all I had to do was pass grade 12. It was little weird knowing my school education was coming to an end, I can’t really describe the feeling but I felt like I wouldn’t see them ever again and that I was finally able to keep myself up, live on my own. The rest of the school year went by pretty quickly, in rush of graduating it seemed like life just flew past me. Before I knew it everyone was asking me what I wanted for my 18th birthday. My 18th birthday, meaning next year I could legally drink! I said I wanted a car, I mean what teenager doesn’t and other than that I didn’t say special I wanted. I was pretty happy with how the rest of this year was turning out.

Again I spent Valentines day all by myself and one day toward the end of

March Craig and I got home he said that he wanted to go practice in the garage, I nodded my head sure and put my bag on the couch and waited for Angie to return home, god only knows where Peter went. The phone rang and of course I answered it. “Hello?” I said going through the mail. “This is Mrs. Smyth, is Danielle home?” the lady said, I took the phone away from my ear and looked at it puzzled and confused. I placed the phone back up to my ear, “This is she.” I said, “Danielle hi, it’s Mrs. Smyth. Your stepmom.” She said and I froze, I pulled the phone away from my ear again and looked at it shocked and confused. What the hell? I thought to myself, I seriously thought this lady was playing some sort of a prank. I put the phone back to my ear, “I don’t have one…” I said trailing off, “Me and your dad got married a little while back.” She said, “How? I saw him around Christmas and you weren’t there.” She said, “I know but I told him he should go and pay his respects.” She said, “Yeah well it turned out I paid my respects to him.” I said and I was just about to hang up the phone when she yelled on the other line, “Something happened to your father!”

I hung up the phone with my new found stepmother Lorraine and stood there frozed in the kitchen as Peter walked in, he looked up from closing the door and he saw me breathless, “Oh I know I have natural beauty but it makes me blush when you stare.” He said, I rolled my eyes at him and walked into the garage. I walked straight passed Craig as he turned to fallow me and sat on the couch, “Tell me what you think of it so far.” He said and started playing a funky tune on his guitar, “It’s good.” I said softly nodding my head yes. “So Ange come home yet?” he said, “No, Peter did.” I said looking up. “Oh, okay.” He said and starting to mess with the song some more. I sat their and bobbed my head as I looked around the room, I pulled my legs up onto the couch and curled them up in a little ball as I hugged a pillow, I rested my head on the arm of the chair and fell asleep. Craig woke me up around six to tell me dinner was ready. I went inside and ate dinner forcing my hand up to my mouth and the food in, I was so tired. When dinner ended I told Joey that I was going in the garage to go back to bed except I never went to bed. I always feel if I walk by myself that I clear my head better and think things through and I have to think about my Dad, I hated him but why am I upset now that he is?

            I kept walking and walking until I went to this little park that looked over a lake, I sat on a swing and rested my head up against a chain. I then heard someone behind me and I turned around and it was none other then Craig. “I went in the garage to give you your bag and you weren’t there.” He said taking a seat on the swing next to mine. I grinned and rested my head back on the chain. “What’s up?” he said taking little swings back and fourth. “I got a call…My dad’s sick.” I said turning to him, “He had a heart attack and has severe heart failure and apparently his new found wife wants me to be there to help out.” I said choking on my tears. Craig didn’t say anything but he stopped swinging, “Well what do you want to do.” He said, “I don’t wanna go, I mean the man abused me and now he wants me to help him out when the whole time all I needed was a real father!” I said starting to cry now. I hated that I opened up to Craig unwillingly and I hate that he was always there for me, I don’t know why, it just bothered the hell out of me because I felt he was the only person I could go to. Craig sat their silently and I kicked the sand under my feet. “You do realize that you’re still under his custody.” He said and I nodded my head yes as I used my sleeve to wipe the tears off my face. “Life sucks.” I said, “Only during the waking hours.” He said, I looked over at him and giggled as I nodded yes agreeing with his statement.

            The next day school went by pretty well considering I looked at my feet the whole time. I got home early because I told the nurse I didn’t feel well and when I got there Joey and some lady were sitting in the living. “Hi.” I said as I passed through the house. Joey got up from the couch and turned me around, “Danielle, I’d like you to meet Lorraine.” He said pointing over to her, I stood there stunned as she stood up to great me. “I said I wasn’t going.” I said looking over at Joey, he nodded saying he knew and Lorraine interrupted him, “Me and Dave…your father…feel it’s important if your at home with us, with your family.” She said, I hardly knew this lady and when has my dad treated me like family? I looked over at her, “I tried to tell her no, but…she already packed your bags.” He said, “So that’s it. I just leave to go back to him without even a goodbye.” I said looking back at Joey, “You’ll still attend your old school you just won’t be here.”She said looking around the house, she picked up my already packed bag, “I’ll wait in the car.” She said as she left. I looked around the house and walked back away from Joey taking a seat at the table and I looked around the house noticing every nock and cranny and for the first time I noticed every little detail in the house and I took everything all in. Memories of good and bad rushed through my head at each object I looked at and tears started to come to my eyes. Even though I was with pain-in-the-ass Peter, annoying-so-called-brother Craig and little pushy Angie, for the first time I felt like I was at home at Joeys and leaving that house that day was like saying goodbye to everything that ever meant anything in my whole life.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

            When I arrived at my house I got out of the car and looked at the little tan house that I haven’t been to in two years. I looked at it knowing what was behind the walls. “Welcome home.” She said as she unlocked the trunk, I

gave her a faint smile as I walked to the trunk not taking my site off the house. We pulled out my bags and boxes and took them into the house and this time she opened the door and instead of being afraid of what was inside, I was drawn in. I walked in and looked around the house and it looked the same and smelt the same it was even scarier then when I had first moved in. I placed my bag on the couch and the boxes on the floor and Lorraine took the things in her hand into my room as I walked into the kitchen. I looked at the message machine and message we’re there as usual and I opened the fridge and there was no Yodel. I have had Yodels in my fridge since I was two, I even had them at Joey’s and when I opened the fridge and noticed no Yodels, I really didn’t feel at home. I closed the fridge and jumped at the shadowy figure behind the door, “Your fathers sleeping.” Lorraine said, I nodded yes and got my stuff in the living and brought them into my room.

            I entered my room and everything was the same as I left it. Unmade bed, some clothes I felt I didn’t want anymore were still on the floor, the purple walls had collected dust and all my little glass figures of ballerinas had dust and some were even chipped. I ran my fingers down the glass figures collecting dust and when I got to the end I turned around and looked out the window and trees were missing. I walked over to the window and sat on the sill as I looked out and this time I could see through the trees. Lorraine opened the door saying that she was going grocery shopping and that I should unpack. I nodded and got up from the window and walked over to the door to lock behind her and I noticed that my old medicine case was still in the garbage. It opened as I picked it up from the garbage and nothing fell out as I remembered I had finished the case before Joey and Craig came and got me. I placed the medicine case back at its proper place on my dresser because I felt like that’s were it belonged.

            I turned around and opened my bag and saw my clean clothes and somehow felt that they weren’t going to be clean anymore, they kinda looked out of place in the room even though I had them in the house before I left. I took my clothes out and placed them in the empty dresser shoving the empty bags under my bed. I fell on top of my bed and quickly fell asleep before I was awoken by a noise outside my door. I shot up from out of my bed and looked at the door pulling the blanket close to me. The door shook hard and then stopped sort. I sat their with my heart pounding as fast as I could ever remember it as I saw a shadow come into my room through the bathroom and then I woke up with sweat coming from my forehead, I had had a nightmare about my father coming into my room. I then quickly realized it was 6:30 in the morning and I got dressed right away without even caring what I wore.

            I rushed myself to school looking at my feet the whole way. “Hey where were you yesterday?” said someone behind me, I turned around and I saw Marco. “Oh, hey Marco.” I said taking my stare off my feet and to his eyes. “What’s up?” I asked. “Where were you yesterday?”

“Oh I didn’t feel well.”

“Everyone tried calling you and we got no answer.”

“I got home and immediately fell asleep.”

“Craig said you weren’t there, he even went looking for you, he was worried sick which got us all worried, it’s like you just vanished.”

“What?”

“Well we all wanted to hang out for celebrating you and Craig going to Julliard and we couldn’t find you.”

“I’m back with my dad.” I said that as if it just spilled out of my mouth and his eyes widened. “Why that guy is trouble.” He said, “I know.” I said walking into the school and he quickly fallowed after me, and I thought he had furiously turned me around put when my vision cleared I noticed it was Craig. “Ow.” I said as I relaxed myself. “Where the hell were you last night!? I looked fucking everywhere for you and you were nowhere to be found.” He said shaking my arm, I looked back over at Marco and he shrugged his shoulders. “Joey didn’t tell you?” I asked puzzled. “Joey didn’t tell you that I’m back with my dad?” When I said this Craig’s face completely went pale loosing all expression and he loosed his grip on my arm. “What?” he said. “Yeah apparently he’s sick and my new found step mother wants me there to help out.” I said. “I can’t believe that he didn’t even have the guts to tell me he got remarried.” I said nodding my head and taking a seat on a bench. Craig sat down next to me and Marco inched closer. I took a deep breath, “It’s fine.” I said getting up. “He’s on his death bed, he can’t do anything to me.”

            I got home and Lorraine wasn’t there. I quietly went to my room and I was able to make it to my room without being noticed. I put my books down and did my homework and by 6:30 Lorraine got home and she told me to give this try she had prepared for my father as she went off to her second job. I looked at her as she left rolling my eyes, she’s mad me do like everything since I got home that it drove me crazy. I picked up the try and brought it to him waking him up and I froze in his doorway when I noticed he was indeed awake memories of him quickly poured back into my head. “Hey pumpkin.” He said holding his hand up. I walked over and put the try down and he grabbed my arm as I started to leave. I quickly turned back around to stare him in

the eye. “Don’t touch me!” I said pulling away. “Come. Relax.” He said as he tried to grab my arm again. “I’m fine right here.” I said crossing my arms. “I love you Dani, why can’t you do the same?” he asked barely getting breath out. “If you loved me you would’ve have known better than to hurt and abuse me.” I said running out of the room. I ran into the kitchen and saw the butcher’s knife in the sink. I picked it up and breathed deep as I started to walk towards my dad’s room. I wanted to kill him, I’ve wanted to kill him since I knew he raped and abused me. I got to his door before I quickly turned around and ran for the counter resting my head in my hands with the knife just inches from my face. I breathed deep rocking back and fourth for my own comfort before I stood back up and started to walk to his room. I then got half way through the kitchen before I realized I couldn’t kill my father. I slammed myself up against the wall sliding down to the floor dropping the knife to my feet as I placed my head in my hands. There’s better ways to make him suffer then for you to kill him, I told myself. I started to cry as I realized that my dad hurt me so bad that I resorted to killing him to make myself feel better when in fact I would’ve been

better off just going to children’s aid. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling and I realized that going to children’s aid would be better then killing him or crying to someone or running away, so I got up grabbing my favorite denim jacket that had this rose tangled up in vines printed on the back.

            After a long night of clearing everything up I finally headed back to Joey’s with a small duffle bag. I knocked on the door and I got no answer. I looked inside and the kitchen light was on and then I saw feet coming down the stairs. The door opened and Craig was there to see me crying my eyes out. “Danielle are you okay?” he said keeping his hand on the door. “I emancipated myself.” I said shacking and he slowly got closer and hugged my neck as I stood there crying in his shoulders with my arms to my side.

Chapter Fourty

            So the next day at school was hard for me. I mean last night I had attempted murder, emancipated myself, went crying to Craig, again, about moving back in. Well I had a hoped for a better day but it turns out, I was very wrong.

            I walked into school feeling sorry for me, for Joey, for Craig, about how I turn to them for all of my problems but the weird thing is, is that I’m comfortable with them and it kills me because I feel like I can’t, and this whole opening up to people is sorta new to me, I’m used to keeping everything all inside. “Dani!” J.T. said coming up from behind me. “Hey J.T.” I said smiling. “So Lorraine called,she wants to know why you went back to boarding school.” He said, I turned around at looked at him with a puzzled face. “What?” I asked, “She wants to know-“ he started to say but I cut him off because I knew what he was going to say, “That little bitch! I don’t believe her!” I said taking a seat on the bench. “What?” he said sitting down next to me. “She knows.” I said huffing, “I emancipated myself, she thinks I went to boarding school the whole time I was at Joeys.” I said confused. “She was very upset when you weren’t at the wedding.” He said, “I didn’t get invited to the wedding. J.T. I didn’t know they got married.” J.T. sat there stunned for a minute and then he rolled his eyes, “Well the real reason I wanted to talk to you, is because I can’t find him, do you know where Craig is?” he said, “In the building…” I said trailing off sort of confused. “I need to talk to him.”

“Apparently.”

“No, Danielle this isn’t a joke.”

“Okay comb down, you didn’t kill anyone.”

“I might have…” I sat there stunned for a minute, “Well why do you want Craig? I mean he hasn’t even attempted murder.” I said confused. “Just when you see him tell him I’m looking for him.” He said getting up. I sat there for a minute and let the conversation sink in. I got up from the bench and

started walking to homeroom, I passed Craig on the way there and instead of stopping to talk to him, I just told him that J.T. was looking for him as I

passed.

            The rest of the day went by okay, nothing special. I went about my normal day with a head on my shoulders instead of looking at my feet. I got to Joeys and since most of my stuff was already there I didn’t have to worry about going back to my dad’s house. Joey said we’ll make a trip to get my things over the weekend. Unfortunately, Peter was still at Joey’s, I’ve began to think that Peter was worse than Craig, which is probably one of the main reasons I’ve been nicer to him and started chilling out with him more and more. By the time Craig got home I was already half way through my homework. “Where you been?” I asked as I looked up from my books. “Oh, nowhere.” He said placing his bag ona chair and getting a drink. “You look hot.” I said.

“Thank you.” He said jokingly.

“No,” I got up from the table and started to walk toward him. “I mean you’re all sweaty.” I said rubbing my hand on his arm and collecting his sweat. “Were you running?” I asked whipping my hand off on my jeans. He nodded his head no while he took a sip from his water bottle, “If I were running there’d be more of it.” He said placing the water bottle on the table. “Okay true…” I said trailing off as I walked back to the table. “You do realize that your guitar is missing? I went to practice and it wasn’t there.” I said, “I know, I lent it to Jimmy, he needs the practice, he’s a little out of it lately.” He said and I nodded as I watched him go up to his room.

            When I was finished with my homework I went into my room/garage and the phone rang and before I got the chance to say hello I heard J.T. “Craig!?”

he said, “Nice try bubba.” She said laughing and throwing herself on her bed. “Where’s Craig?” he asked in a panicked way. “J.T. what’s wrong?” I said. “Where’s Craig!?” he said again. “Jesus Christ, chill down, I’ll get

him.” I got up and walked to his room, I knocked on his door, “Come in!” he said, I opened the door and handed them the phone. “Find my pills please.” He said on the phone. I looked around the messy room and wondered how I would find them anywhere, “Ok…” I said as I started to look around. I heard him mumble on the phone as I looked for his pills, at the time I was more concerned about Craig’s bipolarism then what was wrong with J.T. I looked through his whole room disgusted by his dirty clothes as he talked on the phone. I searched for the whole twenty minutes while he was on the phone, when he asked me if I found his pills. I nodded my head no and turned around to look at him. “So what’d J.T. want?” I asked, “Nothing.” He said throwing

his phone on his bed causing the blanket to move and I saw his pills. “If I find your pills will you tell me?” I asked with a grin, he hesitated to say yes but he did anyone and I grabbed the pills off his bed and gave it to him. “That’s not fair!” he said jokingly, “I said if I find them will you tell me? You said yeah and I found them.” I said with a grin. “So spill.” I said taking a seat on his bed. He rolled his eyes at he popped his pills in his mouth. “J.T. and Liberty…um…they…sorta…” “Ew! I heard from Toby that they were currently riding the hobby horse.” I said laughing. Craig sat there and looked at me with a dumbfounded look on his face. “What?” I said laughing. “She’s pregnant…” he said, and I sat there stunned,

goodie-two-shoes Liberty, straight-A’s-are-my-sex-Liberty was pregnant! With my cousin! I stood up from his bed and collected my breath. “How did this happen?” I said turning around to face him, “I mean I know how it happened but it’s Liberty.” I said still stunned, he nodded his head saying I know. “Then why did he call you?” I said pointing at him. “He wanted to know what it was like when me and Manny went through this.” He said and I nodded as I took a seat on his bed again. “J.T. has been dreaming about having sex his whole life, this must of really crushed everything he thought.” I said sort of laughing. “Yeah especially with Liberty.” Craig said laughing more than I was and then I laughed at his remark. “Alright, this is serious we gotta stop.” I said as my laughter slowed down. “What are they gonna do?” I asked, he shrugged his shoulders. “This is serious.” I said, “How come you’re not as mad as him as you were at me?” he asked, I shrugged. “Um, because you knew how I felt about sex and that same day you told Sean and he dumped me, I think I just took it out on you.” I said puzzled, “Whatever, the past is in the past. As they say ‘If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future.” I said, “Who says that?” he asked, “Winston Churchill.” “Smart man.” “Indeed.” I said nodding my head with a smile. “So what did you tell them?” I asked, “I didn’t know what to say, or to do. Liberty’s planning on keeping it but J.T.’s unsure.” He said, I looked at him “Okay well I gotta go and study, SAT’S, fun.”

I said getting up and heading for the door. “They suck.” He said laughing, “Tell me about it.” I said rolling my eyes and laughing.